Easter Ideation:
A Springtime Reflection
March 27, 2020
Content Warning: MENTIONS SUICIDAL IDEATION
Lily, I’m frozen once again
Lily, I’m cold under my skin
And I know you want me whole again
Above is the first verse of a song I wrote over 3 years ago. It started out as “Again,” but after spending more time with it, I recognized a dark and important aspect of the song that moved me to change the name. After I performed it for the first time, I realized the song was something of a suicide note. I felt irreversibly broken and increasingly guilty that my loved ones were having to experience me unravel.
During that time— and often since— I was struggling with suicidal ideation. I was in the midst of another semester in my Masters of Divinity and working through more days of depression. I remember fantasizing about the current me dying and a younger, pre-depression teenager being resurrected. She was full of energy, endlessly creative, exceedingly kind, etc. A rose-colored memory, perhaps, but she loved herself and others well, and I wanted her back. I grieved her absence more and more each day.
Sinking down
I’m sinking down in our soft bed
And I know you want me whole again
It was fitting that I wrote this song in the Lenten season, given this fantasy of death and resurrection. I felt the Ash Wednesday words, “From dust you have come and to dust you shall return.” Fortunately the world around, rainy and muddy, also physically grew moments of resurrection before my eyes.
Trees are filled with wings again
Budding flowers and perfumed skin
And I know you want me whole again
On days I could get out of bed to go to class, I would feel out-of-body as I showered and applied make-up and deodorant. I felt like a perfumed corpse as I watched my feet walk me along the East Campus student-made grass trails to the bus stop, feeling a touch of beauty when passing the enormous magnolia trees, especially when in bloom.
I realized that though it reads as a suicide note, my mind naturally ended the song with a moment of resurrection. The tomb is empty and blooms with flowers. At least that’s the hope. That is my prayer for myself and for all of you who feel like perfumed corpses. We’re all trudging through this muddy spring together. April showers muddy the ground, and we try not to trample the flowers and other greens sprouting.
Holy waters
Holy waters washing my cracked skin
And I hope the birds nest in my hair
And I hope the skies open for my Lily fair
This ultimately led me to name the piece Easter ideation. Even in the mud I couldn’t help but see the sprouts coming up and even during suicidal ideation something whispered “resurrection” in my ear. Not always and not often, but significantly enough that I was able to write this song as a suicide note with a counter melody of hope. In the end life won.
Read the final verse for yourself. Feel waters wash your cracked skin and the promise of spring blooms perfume you all over. Breathe in another breath of life with me.
And I pray the flowers bloom for ya
And fill this empty tomb for ya
With something good for ya
Until Soon,
Remona Jeannine
P.S. You can listen to “Again” on Spotify or any other major streaming platforms or purchase from any number of music platforms (Bandcamp, iTunes, Amazon, etc.). You’re also welcome to email me at info@remonajeannine.com if you’d like the mp3 for free.